Kevin Braddock has 20 years experience as a writer and editor for GQ, Esquire, The Face and The Guardian. In 2017 he published a memoir “Torchlight: A Publication About Asking For Help” which is accompanied by packs of Practice Cards. Recently his story of breakdown and recovery featured on the cover of the Observer magazine. Find out more at www.torchlightsystem.com

Kev, it’s going to be okay. 

I know that’s a simple thing to say – maybe a dumb one too – but it is. It’s going to be okay. I know you can’t see that, let alone believe or feel it, but it’s going to be ok. There’s going to be more than the big blank nothingness which I can see filling your eyes, and the cruel thoughts looping through your mind, these sharp hateful commands you’re hearing, and what they’re telling you to do. 

But if you get through this day and this night then every day will begin to tell you that there’s more, and that it’s going to be okay. 

I can see you there: under the burning afternoon sun with the shadows of nothingness creeping over you. And I know what you’re feeling because we’re the same person, separated only by time. I’m writing to you from three years into the future you can’t, right now, believe in, or touch, see, feel or know. Your future is my present, so I’m writing this to us, to help you where you are now. 

I can see you there, as I look back.

Let me say some other things you can’t know. You’re about to go on a long walk, a massive shift is coming, and there will be ups and downs, crests and corners, cul-de-sacs and returns, but gradually you’ll learn to walk this way. You’ll go in circles and they’ll slowly increase. People will keep you propped up until you can walk on your own again. 

These people: they’re on the way now, I can hear the chatter and text messages. You did a brave thing, just then, asking for help.

But listen, I’m sorry to say this but there will more tears and the endless invisible pain isn’t going anywhere just yet, yet there is another side to life which will soon show itself to you. You will be shocked and surprised, Kev. Really surprised. One day – in fact on many days and in a million tiny moments – with the hints and sign you’re going to get, there will subtle and sudden changes in your systems of sensing and thinking. 

In your way of life. 

In you, and the meaning you make and the people you love. 

You will not feel like this forever.

But first there’s today and your blank opponent, and it’s time to give in for a while, and stop fighting the shadows. Oh and yes, something else; I almost forgot. Tonight someone will send you a song. You don’t know this person very well, and you’ve never heard this song but it will say something to you, just as it still speaks to me when I hear it. So can you wait just a little longer, Kev?

Ok, they’re here now: it’s your friend, and his friend is coming soon with the car. Give him your phone, wallet and keys, just hand it all over to people strong enough to look after you, collapse into them until we can sort it all out. Let’s not look too far ahead. Just today, and maybe tomorrow.

In the end Kev, I know you can’t know this, believe it or feel it, everything I’ve written here, but I wanted to cast a spell across the years between us, and join you in your pain for a moment. You don’t have to believe any of this, but I’ll say it again anyway: it’s going to be okay.

The song? It’s called “Stay Alive”.

That’s all you have to do today: stay alive.

Dear distressed,

I truly understand how suffocating and meaningless it feels to be alive right now. The loneliness and isolation you feel from your friends, family, and all of life must be so painful. I also understand that you are feeling so conflicted right now, and this does not feel good. On one hand you long to be your most authentic self and to speak your truth; you wish people could understand and help you but you are also afraid to let them in. I want you to know that despite all of this, you will be okay. Trust me.

While it is easier to withdraw and shut out the world, I wish you could realize just how resilient and courageous you are. Do you realize that despite all that you have endured, you are still here… alive and breathing? Neither me, nor your body and spirit will ever give up on you. Darling I wish for you to know that you are not alone in your internal struggle. I wish for you to know that you will recover from this depression and this vicious eating disorder. I'm so sorry you are going through this right now. Even if you cannot take this in in this moment, I want you to know that you are worthy and valued. And you know what? Life is not easy. Life is challenging and difficult not because you are doing it wrong, it is simply the nature of our human condition. This dark night of the soul you are experiencing is actually an inevitable abyss you have to go through in order to heal and renew. 

There is a saying, feel it to heal it.  So let your tears flow, don’t hold them back; let them cleanse what needs to be cleansed. Do not be afraid of your emotions, feelings, and thoughts regardless of their content. You will come to understand them with time. The dark thought, the sorrow, the loneliness and the inner critic are simply outcries for love and acceptance. I promise you that you will learn to cope with them instead of being reduced by them. 

And hey, when was the last time you put on a song that makes you come alive? Put it on! Let the music you are inclined toward fill you. And don’t forget to spend some time in nature if it available to you. Take in some fresh air. Seat by the ocean… lean against a tree. Or simply look up into the big blue sky.  I promise you that you will experience the beauty of the world and who you are once again. You will surpass these dark moments as long as you are willing to continue walking the path.

I see you and love you whole-heartedly. I acknowledge all of you. You are not alone and I will always be here to support you. Oh and one last thing, never let anyone tell you that you are overly sensitive. Your sensitivity is a gift. A  gift that will help you develop a strong intuition.

With all my love,

Future me

Lee is 27 and has worked as a stuttering carpenter for 3½ years and as a furniture maker for 7 years. He lives with his nan, who he is the main carer for.  Lee has suffered with depression and anxiety since he was 14 years old, but didn't receive any professional help until he was 24 as he didn't understand what he was going through to ask for help.

Dear Lee,

I know your feeling very scared, alone, anxious and that your a constant disappointment to everyone around you. And it's very draining for you physically and emotionally. You can get quite tensed and moody with loved ones and others at times. Which makes you feel even worse than normal. When your feeling your lowest your start to question whether the world would be a better off without you. And who would miss you. 

Remember there’s always someone to talk to. A loved one, friends or a support campaign like Samaritans or Mind. You might not realise this but your very good at hiding what your going through. So unless you talk about it. Others will not realise how you are feeling.

Your anxiety was triggered by bullies. But your depression is fuelled from negative thoughts from within. I know there overpowering and you feel there no way of escaping these feelings. But with the right help and treatment you'll start to see what you've achieved in life. Rather than always focusing on what you haven't.

But if you ever feel like the world is too much and that the best answer to end all your pain is to take your own life. Start to think how will it affect your family. Your nan will be left without a grandson and a career. Your mum, brother, sister and the rest of the family may not be as physically effected but may be mental effected by the experience. 

You need to be able to open up more. The only way is to be able to talk about how your feeling. This will make you feel stronger and more confident person. That looks and feels so much happier as a person. It'll give you the confidence to try and archive your life long dreams and ambitions. Like working in the professional fireworks industry. 

Your a lot stronger than you think. Other wise you wouldn't have made it this far going through what you have been. 

Stay strong and remember to try and fail doesn't make you a failure.

From someone that knows you well. 

Lee. 

Pooky is the director of the children, young people and schools programme at the Charlie Waller Memorial Trust, a member of Connecting with People Expert Reference Group and a member of The Department for Education Advisory Group to Develop Peer Support. She is a passionate ambassador for mental health who loves to research, write, speak, teach and her enthusiasm is backed up both by a PhD in child and adolescent mental health and her own lived experience of anorexia, self-harm, anxiety and depression.

To Pooky, 

In this moment of unbearable pain, it feels impossible to take another step – unless it is the one to end it all – but please don’t.  As you stand, contemplating whether to go on or to stop, you are basing your decision on a series of truths that need testing.  You cannot test these truths when you are gone.  Let me help you test them now with the unprompted words of others you will hear in the months following this moment. 

Truth? You believe that you are a bad mother

“You are the best Mummy in the world. I wish every little girl could have a Mummy like you.” One of your daughters tells you this whilst half asleep, climbing into your bed seeking solace from nightmares.  

Truth? You are a bad wife

“I rarely look at couples and think that perhaps they have something as special as I’ve been blessed with, but I look at you and Tom and I see that bond. He’s as lucky to have you as you are to have him.” These were the observations of a very happily married friend who you love dearly.

Truth? You are a bad friend

“You are the best friend I could ever hope for. I love you” 

The words of a beloved friend as she speaks for the first time of her pain.

Truth? You are a bad colleague

“You were incredibly inspirational in the meeting the other day, and really set the right tone and direction for what we need to do.” The reflections of a dauntingly well-qualified colleague after your first time of meeting. 

Before you make an irreversible decision, the truths on which you base it need testing.  

You are a scientist and currently you have not gathered enough evidence to make this decision.  Step away, live another day and begin to allow those who love and respect you to help you test those truths.  

It may take years before you can hear words such as those above and believe them rather than feeling that surely they speak of someone better, more deserving.  I write this a few months on and still you don’t believe them -  but you have hope.  You hope that with hard work, perseverance and by taking things one day at a time, that one day you will believe them. 

And wouldn’t that be a wonderful life - one worth living? 

Walk on… Please. 

Pooky x

Jonny Benjamin is an award-winning mental health campaigner, film producer, public speaker, writer and vlogger.

At the age of 20 he was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder, a combination of schizophrenia and bipolar, and later began making films on YouTube about the condition that have been watched by hundreds of thousands of people.

Jonny now speaks publicly about living with mental illness and has written articles and given various interviews on TV, Radio and in print around the world to help educate and break stigma. He has also produced and presented documentaries on BBC Three and Channel 4 on the subjects of mental health and suicide.

His 2014 social media campaign with Rethink Mental Illness to #findMike, the man who talked him out of jumping off a bridge when he was suicidal, when viral and led to Jonny becoming a prominent spokesperson on the subject of suicide.

He is currently writing the first of 2 books on mental health due to be published by Pan Macmillan at the start of 2018, as well as training for the 2017 London Marathon with Neil Laybourn, the man who stopped Jonny on the bridge, to raise money for Heads Together, a coalition of major mental health charities.

Dear Jonny,

I don’t really know where to start but I’m going to begin by saying:

It’s OK.

It is absolutely OK to feel the way you do. It is human. You feel like you’re the only person in the world going through this but believe me there are many. Millions of them in fact.  

I know it doesn’t make it any easier of course but I want you to know you are truly not alone. 

More than that I need you to know this:

It Gets Brighter.

You can and will overcome this despair. You’re so much stronger than you realise. 

Right now, you feel like you’re past the point of no return. You think that there’s no reason to see each day through. You believe the best and only resolution for yourself and those around you is for you to end your life.

I understand. I do. It’s been years of torment inside your mind. You’ve had enough now.

But what if you knew that one day quite soon the battle would be over. What if I told you that in time you would feel very, very different. 

I know what I’m about to say is going to seem impossible to you but if you take just one thing from this letter Jonny, please let it be this:

You will feel happiness again

It’s a promise, Jonny. That’s how sure I am of it.

Can you imagine it? You smiling, laughing and feeling carefree like you used to. 

If you hang on, you’ll get there.

The pain will ease. One day you won’t feel any pain at all. 

One day you will wake up and actually feel glad to be alive.

I know this is hard to hear because it all seems so unattainable at the moment.

Can you close your eyes and picture something for me? 

I want you to see yourself standing up in a crowded room full of people and talking about yourself. You will tell them all about the experiences you’ve had. The suffering and the struggling. And then you will tell them that you overcame it. That you got better.

This is your life Jonny. The life that awaits you.

Not only can you recover, but you can use what you endured to help other people.

I know you don’t want anyone to go through what you have. Especially not in silence.

So you’ll speak up, eventually, and tell people what it’s like. To help them understand and to make them feel less alone.

And when you speak you won’t feel ashamed. The weight of embarrassment which you carry now will no longer exist. And you will then see that there was nothing to have ever felt shame for.

All those years of depression. The delusions. The suicidal thoughts. The voice you hear. 

You will no longer have to hide it.

And all of the fear, the blame and the guilt will be gone. 

You will feel free to be who you really are.

This means that one day you will tell your family and friends you are gay. And on that day your world won’t come crashing down before you, but instead you will suddenly see it grow and bloom. 

The world, at last, will be your oyster. 

I know this is a lot to take in isn’t it. 

The thing is, you wont do it alone. I know you don’t want to let anyone in at present. I understand you don’t feel worthy of any help, support, or love. But you are loved. Unconditionally. By all your family and friends. And, perhaps, one day: 

You will learn to love, accept and forgive yourself.

For now, hold on to your favourite quote:

Fall down 7 times, stand up 8.

There is no adversity you cannot overcome.

Love,

Jonny